Have you ever heard the phrase, “It’s not personal; it’s just business”? People use that saying to imply that business is an unemotional, rational endeavor where feelings become irrelevant. Implicit in the statement is the idea that workplace negotiations should be dispassionate and we should all adopt a cool and steady approach to every professional interaction. While that may be true in certain circumstances, emotions can be a strength in negotiation. That’s because—until robots take over the workforce—humans are running businesses and business is personal.
Humans are emotional beings and the discomfort they bring to a negotiation can yield important results, both positive and negative. Controlled and measured anger, for example, can demonstrate the seriousness and gravity of an issue. Yet uncontrolled or excessive anger can be explosive and end a conversation. Joy and laughter can bring levity to a tense negotiation, possibly opening a new round of discussions. But if delivered in a different manner, those same emotions can imply a lack of seriousness and even appear condescending. And disappointment and sadness can be disarming, which might shift power to your position. On the other hand, tears or despondency can create discomfort that causes people to walk away from a negotiation without a conclusion.
Effective Emotions
Emotions are most effective in negotiations when they are authentic and unexpected. For example, a lawyer in our office is typically calm, friendly, and even-keeled. He rarely raises his voice and is a generally amiable person. When another side in a negotiation starts to take advantage of his seemingly kind personality, he raises the temperature and his voice. The surprise of the shift is effective. His counterparts are taken aback and the negotiation can change direction.
Research shows that anger can be effective. For instance, the American Psychological Association issues an article titled “Angry People Can Gain More in Certain Negotiations,” demonstrating the utility of anger in negotiations among strangers. MIT’s Negotiation Journal released “Strategic Display of Anger and Happiness in Negotiation: The Moderating Role of Perceived Authenticity,” also indicating that anger can be effective as long as it is perceived as authentic. And in 2019, The Atlantic published a story on “The Real Roots of American Rage,” supporting the thesis that people get angry during disputes because “it’s effective.”
Similarly, joy and tears can add a shock to a negotiation. The Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School published “Is Humor in Business Negotiation Ever Appropriate?” and cites research supporting its effectiveness. And Terry Krosdrosky of the University of Michigan authored “Crying in Negotiations Can Help Gain Concessions.” The article cites research by Professor Shirli Kopelman supporting the idea that sadness can elicit empathy in negotiations. Overall, the research shows that emotions can be disorienting to other parties and cause them to reassess their positioning.
Everything in Moderation
There is some truth in the conventional caution around emotion, but the problem is not emotions themselves or getting emotional. Rather, it’s letting your emotions go too far. Bringing out the stern voice and calling out the other side in a negotiation, crying, or even cracking a joke can all be effective. But they lose their power if you are unable to bring the conversation back to a level where progress can be made.
It is important to demonstrate a strong emotion, to sit in it or even let it simmer for a moment, and then to let it abate so cool-headed progress can resume. In doing so, you show that the issue at hand really matters to you on a personal level and that you are capable of reasoned discussion that can lead to an outcome amenable to all parties. You will emerge an effective and formidable negotiator, perhaps even a bit intimidating. But you will also have left with a deal.
Never Fear
I have seen so many executives and professionals stymie emotion because they’ve been told that is what is necessary to be effective. But inauthentic stoicism is just as risky to a negotiation as inauthentic or overblown emotion. When we feel the importance of a negotiation, it changes how we interact from a human perspective. Don’t be afraid to let people know that what you are negotiating is personal and pivotal to you.